Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Death and Life
I have focused a lot of time thinking about Grace and her diagnosis and what it means for her and our family. I have thought mostly about the worst outcome, trying to prepare myself for what may happen in our future and for decisions that will surround that outcome. To be honest, I have thought a lot about Grace dying. I guess in my mind, I have thought that her dying would be the worst outcome that could happen. However, last night, I started thinking about Grace's life...I have focused so much on Grace dying, and not so much on her living. But I've discovered that I'm also afraid of her living. I'm afraid of what her life will be like. I'm afraid of what mine and Chad's lives will be like. I hate the unknown of everything Grace's diagnosis means. Will she know us? Will she suffer? Will she have any quality to her life? What will her daily life be like? Will she know that we love her? I'm afraid of the answers to those questions. Most of all, I hate that my baby girl has to live with this. I pray for God's mercy and grace for her life. I choose to trust Him...I struggle sometimes with that choice, but then I realize that I really have no other choice. He is in control of Grace's life. I trust that He made her fearfully and wonderfully, that her frame was not hidden from Him when she was made, and that all of the days ordained for her were written in His book before one of them came to be. So I choose to trust Him.