Carrying Grace

We got back tonight from our Thanksgiving celebrations.  I worked Thurs from 7-3 while Chad celebrated the holiday with his family in Magee, and as soon as I got off work, we went to Pontotoc to celebrate with my family.  It certainly wasn't the same this year as years in the past.  Chad and I have a different perspective now with all that has happened in our lives over the past few weeks.

I guess I should give a brief update.  We had an appointment with the ADU Wed.  We got to see our precious baby girl on ultrasound.  She is beautiful!  The person that did the ultrasound was so sweet...she did a 4D ultrasound for us!  We got to see Grace in greater detail than we have before...we determined that she definitely has my nose!  She was just waking up for us during the ultrasound.  She is such a sweet girl!  Anyway, we met with Dr. B after who basically said no changes since our last appointment.  Then we met with Ms. J from the palliative care team.  The meeting was great.  We did learn about another diagnosis for Grace, which is agenesis of the corpus callosum.  I told J that we had never heard of this diagnosis before, either that no one has ever told us this diagnosis or we have been too overwhelmed with information/emotion that we haven't heard this diagnosis.  Basically, with the two diagnoses (encephalocele and agenesis of the corpus callosum), Grace could have up to severe neurological delays.  J suggested that we plan goals for the pregnancy, Grace's birth, and after Grace is born.  She suggested that we plan for the best outcome, the worst outcome, and a middle outcome.  I asked her what she thought about what the neurosurgeon had said the day before, and she said she thought that he focused just on the encephalocele, not on both diagnoses.

So Chad and I celebrated Thanksgiving knowing what we know.  Chad said he felt angry and like he didn't have anything to be thankful for this year.  Sometimes the grief we have is overwhelming.  I can't say I didn't feel the same way at some points during our Thanksgiving celebration.  But I chose and am choosing to be thankful for the life that is inside of me.  I know it's different for Chad and me, since I am carrying Grace, but I choose to celebrate her life.  She is alive.  I can feel her.  I am constantly reminded of her life.

I do not understand why we are having to go through this.  Is there really an answer to why?  But I trust that God is in control.  He will carry us through this.  He is carrying us through this.  Because, despite what anyone thinks or says, it is only because of Him that we are able to live through this.

So even though I sometimes feel angry and like I don't have anything to be thankful for, I choose to be thankful that He chose me to carry my baby Grace.  Because no one could love her like I love her.  No one else could be her Momma.  I pray that He receives the glory.