Psalm 139:13-16

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Lost It

I lost it tonight.  I hit an all time low.

I was trying to work with Grace on her walking with her cane.  I've been convicted lately about how little we get to work on walking, as well as how little I think to pray about it, so I have a new focused effort to work really hard and do my part in achieving this milestone.

Tonight, Grace was not having it.  I tried to force her for probably a good five minutes, as she fought and cried (hard).  The floor was wet with tears.  Then I lost it.  I yelled at my precious daughter.  Out of anger and frustration (toward her challenges, not her), I yelled.  At my daughter who doesn't have the ability yet to walk.  I immediately burst into tears.  I ugly cried for the first time in a long time.  After a minute of crying, I ran back to Grace and scooped her up and apologized a thousand times.  Saying "Mommy loves you," and "I'm sorry," and "I love you just the way you are."  I hated myself for yelling at my daughter who didn't deserve it.

I still hate myself for that moment of weak humanity.  The desperation I feel in my heart for Grace to achieve this milestone is overwhelming.  I want it for her (she will love it), and I want it for us (our backs will be thankful).  Why, God, why have you not given her this ability yet???

I don't understand.  Have you ever watched your child to struggle to achieve every little thing?  Every little thing that should come so easily?  Because I have.  One the one hand, like I said, the desperation is overwhelming.  I want to just do it for her.  I would give everything I have to take away her challenges.  EVERYTHING.  On the other hand, the struggle has taught us to truly celebrate every tiny victory.  Nothing goes unnoticed.

After the ordeal tonight, it was time for bath.  It hit me.  Last week, I taught Grace a new song.  I'm not sure what it's called, but the words are "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do.  My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do.  The mountains are his, the valleys are his, the stars are his handiwork too.  My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do."  Grace knew the song the next night.  :)

So tonight, we had our nightly concert, and I began to sing this song.  I got the first words out, and the tears started flowing again.  My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's NOTHING my God cannot do.

Lord, I give this to you.  Grace will not walk because of anything I do, or any amount of time or energy I spend working with her.  God, it will be because of YOU.  Please, Lord, touch her body and allow her to walk.  I want you to receive the glory for this miracle you will accomplish in her life.  I give it to you.  Take away my selfish desire.  This is in your hands.  Every victorious mountain is yours.  Help me walk through this valley with grace.  Thank you for who you are and for all you have done in Grace's life.

Please, friends, approach the Throne of Grace and ask for our Father to allow Grace to walk.  We will praise him for this miracle!

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

We are Family

Well, we have been a busy little family these days!  Oh my goodness, the past 7 weeks have FLOWN BY!  I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep, the crazy busy schedule we have, or something else, but I blinked and my baby boy was almost 2 months old!  And I go back to work next Friday, on his 2 month birthday!  It is bittersweet to return to work...I LOVE my babies SO much that I love spending every minute with them, but I also truly love working...the challenge of work and my beloved coworkers and patients fuel this love, so I am actually excited about it.  Hope that doesn't make me a bad mom.  Actually, I think it makes me a better mom.  Chad is pretty anxious about taking care of both kids while I'm working, so say a prayer for him for energy, strength, and confidence to be able to do it!  He will have a lot of help, I'm sure!  The hardest days for him will be the Fridays that I work, which happens every four weeks.  That's the day that Grace has therapy, and he'll be juggling her and Micah Friday mornings.  Other than that, we have such amazing help in our babysitters and families that he will be just fine I'm sure.

Our life is looking maybe slightly more sane at the moment.  I am FINALLY able to pick up my big girl again after SIX MONTHS of being on lifting restrictions due to my placenta previa and then post op from my C section.  So I can FINALLY take care of both kids on my own without relying on any extra help!  This makes me SO happy.  And slightly tired and overwhelmed.  But in a good way.  :)

Micah is getting a little easier and less demanding.  I am breastfeeding him, which has been a whole new world!  I wasn't really able to breastfeed Grace due to her medical situation, so like I said, whole.new.world.  I am almost like a first time mom!  I've never had a healthy baby before.  It has brought with it learning to trust myself and trust God that I have the ability to do this.  Breastfeeding has been one of the most challenging and interesting things I've ever done.  But we are 7 weeks in, and I'm feeling accomplished!

Micah has not been the easiest baby, but we are still learning each other.  He fusses/cries/screams A LOT, but it seems to be getting better!  After about 4-5 weeks, we finally were able to put him down to sleep (before that, we took turns holding him at night because the boy would not sleep!).  He also has reflux, and Zantac has helped him a lot.  I'm so thankful for medicine!  He now sleeps in his rock and play thing swaddled all night long.  He has gone a six hour stretch of sleep once, but other than that, he sleeps pretty much for 3-5 hours at a time.  He actually has been a good sleeper in my opinion at night.  During the day, he eats about every 2-3 hours.  He sleeps here and there on his tummy in the pack and play.  I haven't found anything that he likes to hang out in for more than 10 minutes when he's awake, but I'm hoping he will tolerate that better and better during the day.  He is pretty indifferent about baths.  He doesn't love a paci, but I'm trying to teach him that a paci is his friend.  :)  He is a very noisy/grunty baby, and he has found his smile!  And I've never seen a baby fight their sleep before like him!  He also isn't a big fan of diaper changes or clothing changes.  Y'all, he has some of his big sister's feistiness!  At his check up, he weighed 9 lb 12 oz, was 21.5 in long, and his head circumference was 38.5 cm.  He did so good with his shots, too.

Big sister Grace is just trucking along these days!  She is doing great in school.  She still isn't walking with her cane very well.  Please pray with us about her walking!  It makes things so much harder with your 3 year old isn't walking and you have a newborn.  She is beginning to talk more, and she sings ALL the time!  She is generally such a happy girl and I am so thankful.  She has started working on using a different straw, which will help her oral motor skills.  Also, at school she is using a communication board very well!  Her communication board allows her to "say" eat, drink, more, and go.  :)  She continues to love Veggie Tales, Dora, the Sprout channel, her new couch, baths, her blankets, books, and Violet.  We are also enjoying getting to spend more time outside since the weather is so good right now.  She likes sliding, swinging, and riding in her cozy coupe.

I think that's about it!  Here are some a lot of recent pictures :)



















Friday, March 14, 2014

My Prince is here!



Micah James Golden is here!  He was born March 9, 2014, at 7:56 pm, weighing 7 lb, 3 oz, and 20 in long.  He is healthy, and we are home!  What an amazing blessing he is!

Here's his birth story:

We were not sharing with everyone, but we had a C section scheduled for March 10, when Micah would be 37 weeks.  All my doctors agreed that this was best for him and me, since I had placenta previa.  We were balancing me going into labor with getting him as close to term as possible.  So March 10th was the plan.  I was excited because March 10 was Grace's due date, and I knew it would be a special date!

Sunday March 9 didn't seem any different than any other day really.  I woke up with lower back pain, but didn't think anything of it, since my back often hurts.  We went to church, and had lunch with Chad's family like normal.  Here are the pictures we took Sunday after church.  I didn't know they would be the last pictures of our family of three!




Sunday afternoon, we hung out at our house with my parents.  I was eating Girl Scout cookies I've refused to share with anyone this year (I'm pregnant!), when all of the sudden I felt a gush.  ***Side note: This became a funny story...I dreaded everyone asking when I ate last, and told Chad on the way to the hospital that this could get embarrassing.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE asked when I ate last, what I ate, and (laughing when I said Do-si-does Girl Scout cookies) several even asked how many I ate!  Hello, I'm PREGNANT!!!  I didn't count them-ha!***  Anyway, back to the gush...I was sure it was nothing but went to the bathroom to discover I was bleeding.  I knew this was a potential and likely complication with placenta previa, but since it hadn't happened the entire pregnancy, I had started feeling safe that it wouldn't happen.  I freaked out, and Chad and I finished packing our bags quickly and rushed to the hospital, following my doctor's instructions.  We got there about 5:15 pm, they asked a bunch of questions and hooked me up to the monitor.  Micah's heart rate was perfect.  I was starting to feel some mild contractions.  The doctor there, who happened to be one of the doctors when I had Grace (was awesome to see a familiar face I knew I could trust) called my OB, and they decided to admit me to labor and delivery.  Next thing we know, my awesome OB was at the hospital, and they decided to do the C section that night!  They put in IVs, anesthesia asked me lots of questions, and Chad and I kept saying we couldn't believe this was happening!



 We quickly contacted our families and said Micah would be born in like 30 minutes, so they all rushed to the hospital.  They took me to the OR, gave me spinal anesthesia, and started.  It seemed like it took a while, and my blood pressure kept dropping and I felt nauseated several times.  Then, he was there!  Our precious baby was born, and he was perfect!  He screamed as the staff checked him out.  His Apgars were 8 and 9, and they quickly brought him to me for skin to skin time!  It was awesome, I couldn't believe my little man was laying on my chest!  They finally got finished with the C section, and I asked how much blood I lost.  Ha!  It wasn't much, thankfully.  They took me to PACU and took Micah and Chad to see our family.  They brought Micah to try to nurse, but he was too sleepy, so they took him to transition while I recovered.  And shook.  Oh, the shakes!  Finally they stopped, and they brought Micah back to me because his glucose was in the 20s.  I tried to nurse him again, but he wasn't interested, so they gave him formula to get his glucose up.  I was taken to my room after my feeling came back to my lower extremities around 9 pm.  My precious friend Anna stayed with me while Chad left to get a few extra things from home that we forgot.  I was very sick, vomiting many times throughout the night.  My nurse finally got the doctors to order a different pain medicine, so that got better with some time.  They brought Micah back to me around 1 am, and we snuggled all night!  He slept that whole first night, which was great since I was not feeling well, but I kissed him all night long.  My Prince was here!  The next day was better, and we got discharged from the hospital on Tuesday night.  Here are my favorite pictures from the hospital.























We are home and adjusting to our family of four!  Grace had a hard time the first night, but has done a great job of being big sister!  We are blessed beyond what we could hope for.  Thank you, Jesus, for the blessing of Micah!  What an amazing gift he is, as he reminds of Your love for us!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Grace is THREE!!!!!

I just thought I wouldn't post again until baby brother was added to the mix, but I forgot about one little minor event in the life of our family - GRACE'S BIRTHDAY!  

We had her birthday party early because I didn't know if we might have two new babies in our family by the time her actual birthday got here (my sister in law was also pregnant at the time).  So we had her party at the end of February.  It was Veggie Tales themed, her favorite.  I kept it simple, and really threw the party like my parents used to throw our birthday parties.  I think it was my favorite birthday party Grace has had.  We filled our home with Veggie Tales stuff and the most precious family and friends we have and celebrated the life of our girl. 

The miracle of these past three years do not escape me.  I have thought a lot about Grace's birth day, and remembered the most scary thoughts I didn't even want to speak.  Thoughts of her being stillborn, or not living long after birth.  And now we've had three years with our little perfect princess.  Wow-what an amazing blessing!  Thank you, Lord, for sustaining her life and the miracles we have witnessed!  I look forward to celebrating the rest of her life, as we give her to You every day.  She is Yours!

Here are the pictures from her party!  



Her new favorite thing to say is "eeeyaaay" (hooray)!



Most of the kids

Checking out her cake

This is yummy!  She ate two pieces and was more into the cake this year than any other birthday.

Bob's at my party?!

Present time


Sweet cousins

The cozy coupe was a favorite toy for the kids to play with

Best buddies

My precious college friends!

My sister and me

My dad wanted a picture with his girls

Add momma

Add the boys

These two precious ladies keep Grace for us - they adore her and we are so thankful for them!


My dad and his brother with their grandgirls

Our precious friends, the Eldridges.  I LOVE that Grace and Walker are both smiling and clapping!


Please pray with us over the next few weeks, as we will meet Micah very soon!  We are praying for a continued complication-free pregnancy, and that Micah will be completely healthy when he is born!  We cannot wait to meet him!!!  I'll be 37 weeks Monday!  :)